entertaining yourself

When you 1st get married you have fun and games that you play. You are happy and enjoy everyday. After a while you get into a routine and life becomes predictable. It is in these times when you must entertain yourself. I have been looking for something to do to entertain myself for a while now and I think I may have finally found it.

Now before I go any further I must take you back a few years, to the cold war...the laundry war!

Troy wanted me to put the laundry away everyday. I like living out of laundry baskets and lets face it - I am lazy! I get home late one night, only thinking about going to bed, and when I get there what do I find? The bed filled with clothes to be put away. I was pissed. So I put away my own and pushed all of Troys to his side of the bed.

Troy put away his clothes, then went outside and snow plowed all the snow around my car.

Now Troys big mistake was to take this on while he was on midnights, From that day on I would wait about 1/2 hour after he went to bed. Then I crept into the bed room to get my clothes...opps the drawer got away from me and slammed...opps I banged into something in the dark...hold on I just need to turn on the light for a minute to see if this is my brown or black shirt.

Then I would wait another 10 minutes and go back in for something I forgot. I won that war. The laundry gets put away when I decide it needs to be done.

Now back to present day. How am I going to entertain myself? I have decided that each day I am going to put away my clothes. I am not going to say anything to Troy and wait until he notices. When he does I will stop doing it.

Why? Because I can. Because I am childish. Why not?

I will let you know how this plays out. Only Troys clothes are down here right now.

Next thing is the tool belt. Next spring Troy plans to buy a plastic prefab shed for at the trailer. One of the kinds that just snap together. He is excepting me to put it together. I told him I would need a pink tool belt with pink tools in order to do it.

He looked at me like I was dumb and explained it all snapped together I wouldn't need any tools.

Now I am not dumb. I know I don't need tools or a belt. But here is how I look at it. If I look like I know what I am doing, I will feel like I know what I am doing and I will be able to do it. Plus I will look like I know for the neighbours.

Troy just thinks I am a weirdo. In my defense - He had many years to figure out I am a weirdo - it isn't my fault he is just figuring it out!

Lastly - The island of the misfit animals.

We went again to a petting zoo. At this zoo they have...a blind house broken pig that will poop in any other stale but her own, blind bunny, a 20 year old goat who thinks it is pregnant (it isn't) and is lactating, a goat with a sore tummy, cripple chicken, ducks that play tag, a friendly bull that like to play and be pet, 2 horses on pain meds for life because the previous owner didn't look after them and a christmas donkey. Oh and 3 lama's.

We are able to pet and feed all the animals. Alex really likes the lama's. Why? Because one snotted on me twice. That's right I had to walk around with lama snot on me! She also likes the pig - why? Because it started eating my pant legs and left slober all over it.

Alex spent all day there. I had to drag her away. She loved petting all the animals. Loved having the ducks and chickens chasing her around. Loved that the bunnies didn't run scared from her. Loved to feel how soft the donkeys ears were. Love to walk the goat like he was a dog.

Alex said she wants to go live on a farm. She will have to marry a farmer because there is no way this girl is moving to a farm!

back again

I took Alex to the doctors for a follow up to her UTI. The doctor wanted to know why we came in. I explain the doctor at the hospital said our family doctor needed records of each UTI in case they become conic and told us to book a follow up appointment. The doctor said that was jumping the gun but put it all in the computer anyway.

I also asked about Alex getting an itchy throat when she eats fruit and veggies. I explain that Troy has the same thing. The doctor asked if Troy had seen his doctor about it and I told him - the last time he went in for something he ended up getting a needle and a colonoscopy. The doctor smiled and said that would do it and then he got all serious and asked - did he go in for an oral allergy and end up with a colonascopy? I said no, lol.

So Alex is being refereed to a allergist in Kingston.

Troy and Alex spent a weekend together at the trailer. It went well. Only 1 freak out and it was minor. Alex declared that Dad was only good for farting and burping, lol.

Alex has decided she doesn't like grade 3. The work is harder and she gets more homework. I hate doing homework with her. It is like pulling teeth. I am making it consistent so we do it at the same time each night.

I got new glasses and no one noticed!! Now I admit the are the same shape as my old ones, but the are very different. Poor me, lol.

And now on to some deep thoughts...

Alex and I were walking and just out of the blue she hugged me and said she loved me. It was one of those moments that parents live for. When all the troubles and worry melt away and you only feel love in that moment. But it got me thinking...

When was the last time I gave my mom a real I love you? I mean each time we talk I say love you when I hang up. But it is meaningless and just like saying good bye. When I visit I hug her when I leave but again it isn't an I love you hug.

I think the last real time I gave my mom a real I love you would have been 13 or 14 years ago. I was living on my own - dirt poor and couldn't afford gifts for Christmas. So I wrote my mom and step dad a letter. A real I love you letter and thanking them for the things they had done. They had both cried when they read them. My step-father carried his around in his wallet until he died - I found that out when he died.

Now on one hand I feel really bad for not giving my mom more real I love yous. I know as a parent how wonderful that feeling is. But at the same time - well if you knew the things she did and what not you would probably understand why I don't.

I am jealous of those people who have that deep bond with their mothers. I want that. But I also know I will never get it with my mom. That saddens me. I really hope Alex and I have it. I would hate for her to feel about me the way I feel about my mom.

But my question for you all is - when is the last time you gave your mom a real I love you? Think about it.

Been forever since I posted

I spent the summer at the lake. No Internet means no posting from me. Lots has happened - of course now that I sit down to do this I forget half of it, lol.

My great Aunt passed away. I went to the funeral. You have those family members there that you only see at weddings and funerals. I was there before my mom showed up. Each and every single relative that showed up walked up to me, hugged me and kissed me (gross!) and said, "Sandy! You look so good!" To which I replied that I was Laurie, Sandy's daughter. They all commented on how much we look a like (great I look like a 58 year old chain smoker with a glass eye and half a foot!).

My great aunt (not the dead one but her sister who is 90) went though the whole I look like mom and then finished it off with, "The last time I saw you, you were tiny! But don't worry, your mom was fat for a while and then she lost it. Once you lost the weight you will look so pretty!"

Thanks Aunt Rose - I feel so happy now!

The whole talk of the funeral was how much I look like my mom.

Alex had a loose tooth all summer long. It was sticking out, she looked like Nanny Mcphee! I have been carrying around change for 2 months waiting for it to come out. I head for Ottawa for 1 night and it comes out! Dh had to look in the couch for change!! Figures!

Alex got her hair cut. It is a bob cut but it is shorter in the bad and longer in the front. It looks real cute on her.

Fat Tony won 3 ribbons at the fair this year and Ermie the guinea pig won 2 ribbons. Alex was quite happy with that.

oh - got to go - I will post more later...

this and that

OK someone in VGS is selling clothes that would fit Alex and are things she would wear. The problem is she generally will wear 1 pair of pants (so I buy 10-12 pairs of the same pants). So by buying pants off this lady I would have different pairs or different pants and I wouldn't be able to buy any more.

The pros to doing this are: Alex is doing better and trying more. I just don't know if she is at spot where she would wear different pants. If would get her use to different pants and maybe make her more flexible. It would be more cost effective.

Cons are - if she loves one pair of pants more then the others she may refuse to wear anything but those pants. Then I have to either wash them every night (not doing that again!) or make the disappear and live in hell for a week or so. Plus go out and find 10 pairs of pants that are all the same for her (and no one store has 10 pairs on the same pants in the same size. I either have to order them off line of visit different cities to get enough)

I don't know. I want her to be exposed to more so she can get use to more and be more flexible.

Should I or shouldn't I?

Now for the this and that.

We went to logosland (google it). This lady was wearing a high cut bathing suit. Now the only hair do she could have downtown was a very thin mohawk (or racing strip) or bald.

However this lady had not mowed the lawn at all. She didn't even do any trim work. She didn't have a lawn - she had a hay field!!

Anyway standing on the beach you could really easily see all her hair sticking out everywhere. Now if that wasn't enough she kept going into the lake, doing handstands in the water and doing the splits while doing these handstands. All that was missing was a neon sign pointing at her crotch saying "LOOK HERE!"

The part the bothered me most was her legs and pits were shaved. Her eyebrows were clearly sculpted. And yet she totally over looked or didn't care to maintain her lawn.

She could have worn a swim skit or did a quick weed whacking job. She had to know we all could see that.

Also this other lady was wearing a swim suit that almost matched her skin toned exactly. It was kind of disturbing because she looked naked at the beach, lol.

Alex had a friend over last night and tonight. We were at the trailer last night. They were getting along great, Left me to read a book? - didn't have one. Do a puzzle? - can only do so many. Get lost in my thoughts? - turns out my thoughts are deep enough to get lost in! I was bored!

Least now we are at home and I can watch TV or surf the net.

Off tomorrow to our nations capital. Staying until Sunday. Don't know what we are doing yet.

When it rains...

Need to replace the oil tank (for the furnace) because it is to old and the insurance company won't insure us unless we do.

Washing machine went - $800 to fix it!! So we bought a new one.

$$ for logosland, Ottawa trip, wood pellets, brakes. Anyone have a money tree?

So we took D to the trailer with us for 3 days. We saw him and Alex really misses him and so I invited him. I really didn't expect him to say yes, but he did.

Alex and I have been having the best summer ever together. She hasn't been freaking out, and when she does get upset it is minimal compared to how she use to freak out. Now it is over and dealt with quickly.

So D came with us. It was the worse 3 days at the trailer so far!! She had total meltdowns each day. Nothing was right, nothing was good enough. She ripped the strap off her shoe. It was really awful.

I noticed a huge change for the better in her when D moved out, but I honestly thought it was just her getting older. Now I am thinking it is D. Now when I say that I don't mean the D provoked her or did anything wrong. I think she is just stressed or over whelmed and doesn't know how to act.

Alex is very immature socially. When ever she has a friend over she fights with them and ends up freaking out. As much as she is lonely without other kids here, I am starting to think she is better off alone. I mean she seams to have such a hard time with there are extra people around. When it is just her, she is fine.

I don't know what to think anymore.

It was interesting having D with us. He has changed so much. He smokes now. He swore a bunch of times in front of Alex (not to Alex or at her, just in hearing range of her). He has a tattoo on his arm. Huge burn on his chest from a roman candle fight. And for some odd reason he told me he has lost his virginity and has girls sleeping over all the time.

He spent most of the time sleeping at the trailer. He didn't want to do anything with us. Just sleep. It was hard not to mother him. There were many times I wanted to say something but didn't. Like he had cookies for breakfast. He didn't really eat meals, he just eat all the junk food we had and snacks.

I don't know. He said he was happy. I am sad to see what he is becoming. He has plans to go on a road trip this weekend and get drunk. It's like the boy I knew is dead and this one has taken his place.

Anyway, it has been an interesting week.

thinking

Alex needs a sibling. I wish I had another child. It's too late now. I mean my tubes are tied, but even if they weren't and I got pregnant tonight, Alex would be 8 when the baby was born, so they wouldn't really be playmates.

Plus, well, Mich your son is such a cutie - but I just don't want to have to deal with all that now. Diapers, feedings, sleepless nights, and all the fun stuff that goes with a baby, the a toddler, then a pre-schooler.

Alex needs a playmate. She has a few friends but she fights with them all the time. She is so hard to get along with. I wish she at least had 1 good friend.

Regrets? I don't know. If we didn't foster I probably would have had another child. Really with all we went though with Little D, well a baby would be much more work then that!! But if we didn't foster I wouldn't have been able to stay home for so many years. So fostering meant I got to spend the 1st 5 years of Alex's life with her. But it also meant I wasn't up to having another kid because I had so much on my plate.

Now comes the question of if we want to still do it. Alex really wants us to take in more kids. I do enjoy kids. And I will be honest - the extra cash does help. But the other hand - I am having such a great time with Alex this summer. Just the 2 of us (3 when Troy isn't working). I don't know. Deep thoughts I guess.

But on to lighter things.

I swear that Sherk was modeled after Troy. They are both anti-social. They are both grumps. They both hate other people. They both fart and burp a lot. They both think they are funny. I swear they are the same!!

We went to the trailer and Alex saw that a chipmunk had been eating acorns and dropped the shells on the awning. She said, "look how dirty the awning is. It's because that chipmunk put his dirty nuts all over it!" LOL

And next my thoughts about mosquito's. If they sucked fat instead of blood - think about it!! A weekend camping trip would be free liposuction. Woman would rub mosquito's attractant on instead of repellent. You also have to wonder - why didn't Noah kill the mosquito's when there was only 2?

Deep thoughts. Light thoughts. Lots of thoughts. Too many thoughts.

Been a while

Well school is out and summer vacation is in full swing. In the fall I laughed at some parents because they label all their kids stuff. I get labeling shoes and clothes and backpacks. I just can't imagine spending the time to label every pencil and marker. I mean the labels cost as much as replacing the item!! Makes no sense to me and it is time consuming.

Anyway Alex comes home with all her stuff. In her pencil case is pens, pencils, markers, pencil crayons and whatever else. Everything has a name on it - none of the names is Alex, lol. So all you pencil labelers - it is my kid who steals all your kids school supplies!! Alex said she is queen of the pencils. Whenever a classmate needed a pencil she always gave them one.

I think the reason they needed a pencil is because Alex stole theirs in the 1st place, lol.

So we have a trailer and a seasonal spot at a trailer park. Alex and I have been up there since school let out. No cell service or internet. I am in withdraw!! I mean honestly, how do people survive with out cell or internet?

It has been 2 weeks and we have had 2 snake encounters. Between that and no cell or internet, I am starting to wonder if this was a good idea!?!?

1st snake - Alex went running up to a shed to show me how small it was. She almost stepped on it. I don't know how big it was because I only saw it's tail going into the shed. But it was black and the tail was as thick as a quarter. Alex was so close to stepping on it!

2nd snake was a water snake. Alex said she thinks she saw a water snake. I asked her to show me but she couldn't find it and concluded it must have been a stick. Another mother said she had been coming to the lake for years and never once saw a water snake. So we play and time go by. Then the Mother quickly walks out of the water and says to me there was a snake and it was under the dock.

The snake wasn't afraid of people. It was chasing after the people as they were fleeing from the water. Of course it was all mothers and children there so we are all out of the water screaming and acting like babies. Then a father came along and we asked him scare it away. He hit it with a frisbee. It turned upside down and floated back under the dock. Everyone was sure it was dead and went back to playing in the water.

Not me though. If it was dead then it would have floated out the other side of the dock. It must be alive and wrapped under the dock. The morning turns to afternoon and then to evening. The kids found clams and wanted to crack one open to see inside. They were banging on them on the dock. I guess all the banging was enough for Mr.Water snake because out from the dock he came. Thankfully he just swam away. I watched him as long as I could. He was a fast swimmer!

I hate snakes!!

I lathered Alex and I in sun block yesterday. I reapplied it to Alex several times but only once to myself. My head, face, shoulders, boobs, arms and legs are burnt!! But I would rather be burnt them shoveling snow!! So I am not complaining.

Now I am home for a few days. Stinking work getting in the way of summer vacation!! Work has been hard this summer. They offer me shifts and I do need the money. But every day I work is less time I spend at the trailer!

Alex and I are loving the trailer. This has been an awesome summer so far.

Another plus is I get new glasses soon. These ones are getting to be so beat up. End of the month I get new ones. Hey Mich - you should come with me to pick them out. I can't see and I hate relying on the sales lady to tell me what looks good and not.

What do other people do? I really can't see without my glasses. I have to stick my nose to the mirror to see what they look like and even that isn't clear. I use to wear contacts so I could see what they would look like but I haven't wore them in ages.

Thats all for now folks.

thoughts

So I bought underwear and a bathing suit. The store policy is bathing suits are non-refundable because of hygiene issues. I get that and I am fine with that. What I don't get is...why is underwear refundable? What non-hygienic things happen in a swim suit that doesn't happen in underwear? That is mind boggling to me.

Any how I bought 'slimming' underwear. Now when I out them on my belly does look slimmer. However I have a huge muffin top because of them. Now my current underwear is size large. I bought XL in these underwear because they looked small.

Now the question is do I want a fatter looking stomach or a muffin top? I think I will stick with my fat belly.

Alexism that I can remember:

Alex - Mom why did you and Dad get married? Oh wait! Let me guess...you were drunk?
Me - There was a year from the time he asked me to the time we got married. So if that was the reason I would have had to have been drunk for a year.
Alex - You were drunk for a year?
Me - No! I married him because I love him!

This one was a while back. She asked if we could take in another kid. A kid around 5 or 6. She needs another kid because she is tried of loosing at checkers to Fat Tony (cat).

Sigh

Oh my camo pants. I was looking for them the other morning. I looked in dryer - there was 3 or 4 things in there - no camo pants. Looked in my basket, Alex's basket, the washer and the clothes line. No pants. So I took everything out of my basket and refolded it. Not in there. Looked in the dryer again - not in there. Took everything out of Alex's basket - not in there. Decided to fold the 3 or 4 things in the dryer and low and behold they were in there. All I could think was "wow these are really good camo pants!"

Troy has finally agreed to let me find a babysitter. I can't find one!! I think I will put an ad at the library looking for one. The problem is a lady I know who babysits will see it and I don't want to hire her. Her kids are wild. Her son beats up Alex and she doesn't do anything because he is mentally disabled. Well if you don't do something now, what's going to happen when he is an adult? I just don't want her. So I am not sure how I address that if it comes up.

I am hoping for a kid at Alex's school. Then in September they can just take the bus home with her and get off here. I have a few calls out. No one has returned them yet. I called yesterday. Not sure how long I should wait for them to call back.

I finally got my stupid garden done. I had it all ready. All I needed to do was drill some holes and nail the boards down. I was waiting for Troy because he was going to do that part. He was just sweeping the garage. I waited and waited and waited. He was making me wait on purpose. So finally I got sick of waiting (I had other things to do) so I just started drilling myself. Well that got him out of the garage pretty darn fast!!

stupid gardens!!!

Why oh why did I want to put in gardens!!! Have you ever seen a movie where someone digs up a grave or treasure? Well they are such liers!! It is no where near as easy as they make it look. It is back breaking labour. Even worse when your crappy husbands just sits there and watches you. It is my garden so I have to do the work. Stupid garden.

If I ever decide to put another garden in - shoot me!! Really do it!! It is a lot of hard work. The next house I am buying will already have flower beds in and I am keeping them and that is that!

I am loving the trailer. It is nice to have a place to go. I can't get cellphone there and at 1st I thought it would really bother me (because I am a slave to my phone) but it doesn't. I mean there are times would it would be nice. Like if I could text Troy to bring stuff up or he could do the same. But all in all it's fine.

Work really sucks now. Every time I take a shift that is less time I can spend at the trailer. I want the money but I want to go to the trailer too, lol. I wish Alex was done school so we could spend more time there. I don't know why we didn't do this sooner. Well I do know - no idea how affordable it is!

Alex is in a grade 1/2 class this year. They are learning sex ed. I mean Alex came home and was able to tell me how a baby is made and how it comes out. Grade 1? Isn't that a bit young? She said she learnt it last year - I wasn't aware of that. I mean I have no problem with her learning this. She has books and stuff on it. I just had no idea they teach that stuff so young.

I saw this little girl - and she was a cute little girl, but her clothes!! She was dressed just awful. I hate to say it but very dorky looking. I am sure kids at school would make fun of her. My 1st thought was "why would her mother even buy those clothes let alone let her wear them?"

Them I look over at Alex. She has her beautiful pink flower dress on. Her sport socks inside out and pulled up to her knees and her black skull running shoes. I hate it when people make snap judgments about her appearance. They don't know about her clothing issues. There is a reason she dresses like that.

Yet in spite of the fact that I have a kid with issues, and I hate when other people judge Alex's appearance, I did the same thing. You would think that because I live it everyday I would be more in tune with it, yet I'm not. I guess it is something I have to work on.

We set up the trailer this weekend. Alex explored the camp. We found 2 clams with clams inside. Normally I only find empty shells. We put them in a bug box and watched them come out and go back in. It was neat!

Alex played with some of the kids at the park. I really could see how much her social skills are lacking. This one little girl was trying really hard to play with her and Alex wasn't helping at all.

What's your name? - Alex
Do you want to play tag? - No
Do you want to build a castle? - No
How old are you? - 7

At no point did Alex engage in a conversation with her. Just 1 word answers. I know Alex wanted to play with her but she just doesn't have the social skills. We use to roll play. I took her to play group 2x a week for years. I guess we still need to work on it. Even when she did start to play with the other kids (with some help from me) she seamed a lot younger then the other kids - even though they were the same age. Just the way they acted and played.

I am guessing this is because she is an only? Or is it something else? When she went for all that testing aspergers was thrown around. Now I don't think she has that. I do wonder if her lack of social skills is something more then just being an only.

I mean she has had plenty play dates and kids to play with. Is it just her personality? Is it because she is an only? Is it because I failed to install them? I admit it - I am awful at making friends. I can make acquaintances fine. But I have trouble taking that next step. As result I have always had maybe 1 close friend at a time and that is it. This makes me think my lack of skill in that department has rubbed off on her.

Anyway back to the trailer. We got it mostly set up. Troy forgot some tools so he will have to set up the sewage and propane next weekend. It will be just Alex and him at the trailer - should be interesting. It was brought to my attention last night that Troy and Alex have never slept away from home without me before. I always deal with Alex. She always has trouble going to sleep in different places. So it should be a good experience for them. I am interested to hear how the weekend goes.

There was a lot of kids at the park without adults there. I was the only adult. The kids ranged from 2 years old up to 8. I notices a few of the kids came from near by trailers so their parents could watch them from the trailer. But others biked to the park. Is 8 old enough to be off on your own on a bike at a camp ground? I mean it would be so much more convenient is Alex could just go to the park on her own. It is just up the road - however you can't see it from our site. I am just not comfortable with it. Maybe after we have been there a while it will be different. I don't know. I know I am over protective and sometimes it is hard to decide if I am hovering or not. How do you know?

I wish I had some funny Alexisms to add. But I just can't think of any right now.

So that's the report for today. Have a coke and a smile.

retraction

I meant to post this earlier - sorry.

It has come to my attention that the troll story isn't true. It is on snopes.com Sorry to mislead you. A co-worker told it to me. I honestly don't know if she knows it isn't true or not. But anyway - so you know that didn't happen.

Thanks
Laurie

Am I really having this conversation?

Alex - Mom, can I try your breast milk?

Me - I don't have any.

Alex - Then how where you going to breast feed me?

Me - When you're pregnant you make milk. You keep making milk as long as a baby is drinking it. When the baby stops, you stop making milk. I have no babies to drink it so I'm not making any.

Alex - Why are your boobies so big then?

Me - It's all fat sweetheart.

Alex - (long pause) Can I try your boobie fat?

Me - Do you just want to bite a piece off or did you want me to slice some off for you?

Alex - No! I mean drink it!

Me - Sweetheart what do you think is going to happen?

Alex - Fat will come out and it will be like hamburger fat.

Me - That's grease - it is a type of fat. But the fat in my boobs is the same type of fat as in my butt.

Alex - You have butt fat in your boobs?

Me - (heavy sigh) Sweetheart you know when you have a steak and there is the fat on the side you cut off? That is the type of fat in my boobs. Only it's people fat not cow fat.

Alex - Well what fun things can you do with your boobies then?

Me - fun things? Nothing!

Alex - Then why does dad call them his fun bags?

Me - (Even heavier sigh) Dad shouldn't call them that. He does nothing with them. They just sag there like a decoration. Now go finish getting ready for school. I am not answering anymore boobie questions!

Do other people have conversations like this with their children? I mean really? Where do these questions come from??

Troy asked me to pick him up some underwear. I asked him what size and he said 'Fat!'. I think Alex gets it from Dad!

I know I have posted this already all over the internet but I am going to post it one more time. Mich graduated yesterday!! Super big high 5 and hooray for you!!! Great job!!

So I am down 20lbs and no one has noticed yet. (Mich I know you are going to comment on this but you don't count because I have been telling you about my weight loss journey. I mean people who don't know I am trying and haven't seen me in a little while). I really would love for someone to come up to me and ask if I have lost weight. I bought some large shirts today instead of extra large! Losing weight really sucks!!

So I was in the bank yesterday. There was 4 people in front of me in line. The lady in front was complaining about how long it took. When it was her turn she had to dig though her suitcase of a purse to find her 4 bank books. She then got them all updated. Took money out, put money in, paid bills. Then she stood there talking to to the teller. The other 3 ladies in front of me were in and out before she was done. When I left she was still talking! And she wonders why she has to wait so long in line! That drives me nuts! Have your stuff ready, know what you want to do. Do it and move on so the next person can go!!

And lastly..."If I were you I would...". No if you were me you would do exactly what I a doing because you would be me!! If you were handling this situation you may handle it differently. But if you were me you would be doing what I am doing!

Can you name the truck with four wheel drive,

Smells like a steak, and seats thirty five?
Canyonero! Canyonero!

Well, it goes real slow with the hammer down,
It's the country-fried truck endorsed by a clown,
Canyonero! Canyonero!

Hey, hey!

Twelve yards long, two lanes wide,

Sixty five tons of American pride!
Canyonero! Canyonero!

Top of the line in utility sports,
Unexplained fires are a matter for the courts!
Canyonero! Canyonero!

She blinds everybody with her super high beams,
She's a squirrel-squasher, deer-smackin' drivin' machine,
Canyonero! Canyonero! Canyonero!

Whoa, Canyonero! Whoooooaaaa!

Lost and found

Have you ever lost a child? If you haven't, I don't recommend it!! I lost Alex at a friends apartment. Instead of waiting for us she went ahead to the apartment, only she couldn't find it. If that was bad enough this apartment is several buildings connected together so there are several apartment buildings she can access without going out side. It is such a maze that pizza delivery refuse to deliver there!

She was lost for about 15-20mins. My friend found her. She ended up 2 buildings over and then went outside and was trying to get back into the building but couldn't. I was at the point that if we didn't find her now i was going to call the police for help.

Alex was crying. She was scared. I was too!!! I was certain no one had taken her or anything. But it is still scary. I hope she learned from all of this, I really do!! Man that was scary for me. I think I grew a few more gray hairs and aged a few years!!

So we got a site at a seasonal camp ground. We bought the in laws trailer and we are going to camp there all summer (when we are not working). We bring the trailer up on Saturday. I am so excited. All this stuff going through my head...got to get this and got to get that. I hope this will be as much fun as I think it will be.

Sorry I missed your call I was at the trailer! LOL

Alex was showering and I told her to make sure she washed her feet and bum really well. Alex got upset because if she washed her feet 1st them her bum would smell like feet and if she washed for bum 1st then her feet would smell like bum.

Where does she come up with this stuff??

A troll!!

So we get home, the neighbors had a bunch of people over, all sitting outside. I make a run for the bathroom. Alex yells after me, "Hey mom, when you're done pooping will you play outside with me?".

Thanks for letting the neighbors know that I need to poop!! Why not put an ad in the newspaper! Sigh!

Today I went out looking for a light pink t-shirt. Like a baby pink. Solid colour - no prints. Do you think I could find one? Nope. I have a new pair of capris and it would go perfect with them. So the hunt is still on.

I also need a new purse as the strap is ripping off mine. Again I couldn't find any I liked. I like ones with really long straps so I can put it cross body. I find purses slip off my shoulder and I hate carrying them. So again the hunt is still on.

And to close a super funny story a co-worker told me. I will warn you, some may find it offensive.

She has an adult son with autism. He says at home during the day alone - he is fairly high functioning.

So a week or 2 ago he calls her at work all excited. He keeps saying 'I caught a troll!! I caught a troll!'. Now she isn't too concerned because this is normal for him. He will hear sounds or see shadows and think they are different things. So she does her best to calm him down and tells him they will figure it out when she gets home.

So she finishes working and gets home (about 6 hours after the phone call). As soon as she pulls into the driveway he is right out the door, all excited saying 'I caught a troll! I caught a troll!'.

OK, she says 'lets go inside and see if we can figure this out'. So they go inside and the 1st thing she sees is he has pushed all the furniture up against the closet door. She asked him why and he told her the troll was in there.

Well she starts moving the furniture and she can hear something in the closet. She gets all the furniture moved, opens the door and in the closet is (are you ready for it?) a Jehovah witness. He is a midget!! He came to the door, her son let him inside, pushed him in the closet and locked him in, lol.

The poor guy was in there for 6 hours!!! Can you imagine coming home to that? I wonder what the guy in the closet was thinking? OMG I laughed so freaking hard.

(Sorry if this offends you but I did warn you)

unsent letters

Dear Alex;

I love you. I love your new hair cut. You are so beautiful. You lite up my life. I wish you were more flexible. I wish you could adjust to change. You are so smart and you can do anything you set your mind to. You are the only thing holding you back. How can I help you learn to be more flexible?

I think you are the best kid in the world. You make me laugh, you make me smile. You make life worth living. I can't wait to see where life brings you. What you become. You make life exciting. I want to fast forward time so I can see the end.

I also want to freeze time. You are growing up so fast. I can't believe you are 7 1/2. Seams like yesterday you were a baby. I know we over protect you. I know we need to let you out from under our wings. It is so hard. But I know that when you spread your wings it will be spectacular.

May life treat you kind and always know I will always be there for you.

Love Mom

Dear Troy;

You are my best friend. My best friend. I can tell you anything. I can tell you the dark evil thoughts I have and you don't think I am evil. You make me laugh, you make me smile.

You are a great provider for Alex and I. You always make sure we have what we need, and a lot of the time, what we want. Alex and I both take advantage of you. We all know that. I will try to do more around here. Carry more weight.

You are my biggest supporter and I thank you for that.

People said we wouldn't make it a year. We have been married going on 11 years and together for 14 years. You are my longest friend.

I am sure we will grow old together. I am also sure I will be bald 1st :).

Thank you and I love you

Love Mom.

Dear Mich;

I guess this letter isn't unsent since you will probably read this :).

Thank you for being my friend. You are a great person. You set such a great example for your children. You are a strong woman. You have endless courage.

I know you think our friendship is more me giving and you taking, but you are wrong. We just have different things to give. You give me advice. You give me perspective. You give me other ways of thinking of things. You are not afraid to point out better ways and offer me your wisdom. You are smart and well informed.

I look up to you (and not just because you are taller, lol). Thank you for all that you have given me. I hope 10 years from now we are watching our girls move in their lives. I hope we will be still be friends years and years from now.

Thank you for that you have given me, and thanks in advance for all I will take from you :)

Love Laurie

success vs failure

Funny how 2 people can look at the same situation and 1 sees success and 1 sees failure. D is 17 - 18 in August. He has moved out and I am guessing dropped out of school (I say this because the school has call every day for 2 weeks saying he wasn't in class) 5 weeks before graduating. He is smoking and who knows what else he is doing.

I look at this as I failed. I failed to install something in him over the last 5 years. I failed to provide an environment where he can flourish and feel at home. One where he can soar and the possibilities are endless. He is such a smart kid. He can do whatever he wants. But he chooses not to do the work and not set any goals. Maybe I pushed him to hard or maybe not enough.

CAS looks at this and thinks I succeeded. He may it this far and almost graduated high school. That is more then most kids in care do. He is (for the most part) a good kid and as close to 'normal' as CAS kids tend to be.

Now I wonder, does CAS set the bar too low or did I set it too high? Guess I will never know.

Moving on, as I can't dwell on the past forever.

Alex has such a good day today. She wore jeans - she never wears jeans. She can't stand them. She wore new socks - totally different then the ones she is use too. She wore her hair in a pony tail - she hates stuff in her hair. It was spirit day so she got to wear her sun glasses all day as well. She looked so cute!!

She got home and wanted to go to a friends house, but he wasn't home. I had to go to town. She hates having to go places, but she didn't complain. She just asked if she could finish watching her show (5 mins left) and that was that.

She is now in the bath. No fighting over it or anything. Just got in and now is playing. When Little D left she improved so much. It happened over night. I could not believe the change. Now I wonder, will she improve again? I can't help but notice the great mood she has been in for the most part of a week.

She wants a kitten real bad. I told her the 2 cats we have are enough. But we had them before she was born so she never got to see them as kittens. Oh she promises she will look after the kitten. Feed it, clean up after it, everything. "Just like you do with your guinea pig?" I asked. "Yes, I mean no, I mean I don't, I mean I do, I mean I will this time, I promise!"

No more pets until the ones we have bite the big one!! My house is turning into a letting zoo!! 2 cats, 2 pigs, DH and Alex are enough! Seeing as it is I who has to deal with all the poop in house - I don't need more to add to it!

Speaking of poop, I noticed our imagery dog left another pile on our lawn. Why can can't people pick up after their dogs. The guy across the road, he drives while holding on to the lease so the dog can run beside he car. That he how he 'walks' the dog. He has 2 kids that are old enough to walk the dog around my block, plus he is quite capable as well. I mean that is the height of laziness. I guess for the dog it is better then nothing. The dog spends all day chained to a tree not being able to go very far. I feel for the dog. I really do.

And that is the Laurie report for today. Hope you all had a good day.

Down in the dumps

Having a 'down in the dumps' day. I don't know if it because of mothers day or D moving out or what but I have been thinking about my family a lot.

My background...

When I was about 1month old Mom found out dad had a girlfriend and kicked him out. Dad moved in with his girlfriend and had 2 girls (I also have an older brother). He also cheated on her and got kicked out. So he has 4 kids. He visited my brother and I a few times when we were young. But visits soon grew fewer and further between.

In the last 20 years I have talked to Dad once when I was around 15 and saw him at Grandma's funeral 8 years ago - but we didn't talk. That is the only time Troy has seen my Dad.

Over time Dad has tried to regain contact with my brother and my 2 younger sisters but never me. Why not me? He has been able to contract my brother and sisters and they all know how to get in touch with me. So it isn't like he can't find me. Plus I lived in this house when grandma was alive and she had my phone number and address - none of that has changed.

My Step-father (Gord) was verbally abusive. He was strict and mean. The best example I can think of is my room. My room on it's messiest day was cleaner then any one elses room on there dirtiest day.

I came home from school one day to find my door closed. On it a note that said 'a pig lives in here'. I opened the door and Gord had emptied all the garbage from house into my room. Not in bags, but dumped it. I had coffee grinds and rotten food on my carpet.

Why did he do this? I was in a hurry that morning. I made my bed but the blankets were longer on one side then the other. My closet door was open and my desk chair not pushed in. I also left a book on my nightstand. I spent all night cleaning, vacuuming and scrubbing my carpet. It stained my carpet. Years later I would still get in trouble for ruining my carpet.

He would also call me names and nothing I did was ever good enough. I would like to say that I don't think he set out to be mean. I think this was the way he was raised and he didn't know any better. I honestly think his 'parenting toolbox' didn't have a lot in it.

Then you have my mother. Sigh!

When I was in high school I was having a hard time with things. I was suicidal. My friend went to the school consoler because she was concerned. They called in my mom. Mom came in and oh she put on a great show. She cried and hugged me and said she had no idea. Oh things were going to change. We went home, I got grounded for being so stupid and had to pay mom back the money she would be short on her pay from leaving work early.

I moved out as soon as I finished high school. I was so poor. Some days the only food I ate was what I stole from work. Income tax time came and I got a statement for $6000. I had no idea what that was for. I asked mom if she knew - and she did! Because of my age I got $500/month though my Step-fathers pension. She applied for it and had the money deposited right into her account. I really could have used the money!!

I made mom do my taxes and pay what I owed. She was then suppose to pay me what I would have gotten back - but she never did. She also cheated on my taxes and I got audited...and the next 5 years after that.

I since have no longer anything to do my Mom and money. She has screwed me over too many times. She even stole my brothers college money (that he worked for and saved).

But again - Mom has impulse control when it comes to shopping. She knew if she rang up the credit cards again my step father would leave her. She did these things to hide her shopping.

My step father has since died. My mom now lives with a man who drinks and drives and smokes joints. I feel bad for mom. She is so afraid to be on her own, she changes to be like the person she is with. I don't think she even knows who she is.

Now I know many people have had it worse then me. I am in no way suggesting I had the worse childhood or family. I will say I have a crappy family. I often wonder why I still talk to mom. She is so self centered and selfish. I guess because she is the only parent I have. Dad never wanted me, Gord has died and that leaves her.

I would love to have a great mother/daughter relationship with her. I hear people talking about how wonderful their mothers are and I am jealous. I want that. I guess at this point I can only be the best mom I can to Alex and hope our relationship will be better.

I see a lot of my parents in me and that scares me. I really don't want to be like them at all. I guess I just need to focus on being the person I want to be.

It's always my kid.

Why is it always my kid?

Alex always wants to have friends over. Yet when she does she fights and complains the whole time. They are touching her stuff. They are not playing what she wants to play. They are going to ruin her toys. They are going to take her toys. They are going to...they are going to...

The whole time they are here they fight fight fight. Now I would love to get on my high horse and point my finger at these kids and tell you how rotten they are. But truth be told it isn't these other kids that are the problem. It is my kid. She is not flexible and not willing to make any compromises. Everything is her way or the highway.

I can't help but wonder why she wants to have friends over when all she does is fight with them. She gets mad at them for playing with her stuff. I can't help but wonder why these kids come over!! She yells at them and is mean. I don't like playing with her either!!

Whenever there is a problem, you can bet my daughter is the cause of it. When everyone is going left, she is going right. She will not conform no matter what. She is her own person and does what she wants when she wants.

People tell me this will be great when she gets older. She won't follow the crowd and fall to peer pressure. I don't see it that way. I see her as more defiant and stubborn. I see her talking back and rebelling. I see us butting heads.

I love her. I love her with all my heart. She can command my emotions. She can make me more angry then anyone else in the world can. She can fill my heart with love with a single look. She can make me cry, she can make me laugh. She is my everything.

celebrating mediocrity

Why do parent celebrate the poor choices they made? Is the goal to survive childhood? If so - isn't that setting the bar pretty low? As parents we all do things we shouldn't have. We all have regrets, things we wish we could take back or undo and have made mistakes. As adults should we not learn from those low points instead of bragging that your child survived it?

When I was a kid we didn't have car seats, my mom drank when she was pregnant and we played with real lawn darts (yes we stood behind the circle while someone on the other side threw it towards us. Many times jumping out of it's path). Did I survive it - yes. Does that make it OK - no!

We are adults and parents. Is it not our jobs to educate ourselves and do the best we can with the resources we have? We know about car seat safety now - so use them and use them correctly. We know about fetal alcohol syndrome now, so just because you drank during your 1st pregnancy and the child turned out OK - doesn't mean the next one will. Is it worth the risk?

I have spanked Alex. I am not proud of it. I am ashamed and embarrassed over it. It was my lowest point to date as a parent. I didn't spank her because I thought it would stop a behaviour. I didn't do it because I thought it was the best thing to do or a last resource. I did it because I was pissed off at her and I wanted an outlet for my anger.

Many parents who spank will say they never do it out of anger or spite. They are lying. Either to you or to themselves. As an adult I learned how Alex can push my buttons and what my limits are. I learned to walk away sooner and take a time out before it gets to that point. I did make a mistake, Alex did survive, but more important I learned from it and it will never happen again! Even though she survived it - that doesn't make it OK.

People feed their babies certain foods that we now know it is better to wait to give them. Ask a parent who has a child with a life threatening allergy how much fun it is. Why would you risk it? Yes your baby survived - but is it worth the risk?

Chances are I could drive around with Alex not in a car seat or buckled in for years and nothing bad would happen - but why risk it?

Why do we put our children at risk unnecessarily and they bragged that it is OK because the survived it? Your child surviving childhood isn't a goal or a badge of honour. Why not aim higher? Shoot for the stars and aim for the moon. Give our children the best chance at life as we can.

life changes

Do we want to take in more kids? Part of me says no, part of me says yes. Maybe we should try another kick at the can. Chances of us getting another long term placement is slim. Probably be a few months. In and outs.

We have decided not to take any kids in over the summer. Just see how it goes and then decide.

My reason for not wanting to do it is Alex. I am afraid of the things she will learn from these kids and the effect it will have on her. Plus the risk it puts her in.

My reasons for wanting to do it are - well we have the room and always wanted more then 1 child. I'm not going to lie - it is an income as well. Not a huge one, but it does help.

Alex wants us to take in more kids. She wants kids to play with.

If we do they will have to be old enough to be in school full time. I don't know. I just don't know.

The next question is work. I like where I work and I make good money. However because of Troy's shift I am not able to work as many hours. If I switch to home health care (like VON or paramed) I could work more hours and make more money. Well I would work more hours then I use to work for the same pay - doing home care means about $5 or more pay cut. I don't want to do home care, but in the end it is more money.

If I switch then I can't do my apprenticeship either. But if I stay, well my pays are cut in half now with Troy's new hours. He can't work over time because of contract talks and union stuff.

I don't know. Too many decisions to make at once.

Alex went back to school today. She still has a few spots that are healing but no one said anything. I bought her new socks today. She said she would wear them tomorrow and try them out. She did try one on. Leaps and bounds that girl is making! I hope she does wear them and they work out.

Soon I will have to start shopping for pants for her for next winter. I won't be buying them from sears!! (I bought some from sears - in 3 sizes so I would be set for a few years. I invested a few hundred dollars in them. They all shrunk so much that the largest size was like carpis on her by winters end. They shrunk about 6 inches!! Sears would not take them back or refund me)

Oh when it rain it poors - On Sunday when I was showering I was thinking 'it soulds like the water is going straight into the basement not the pipe!' But I was in a hurry and it was 5am so I didn't think any more about it. Troy got up and showered too. Well I was right. The water from our showers went straight into the basement. The shower was leaking. Lot of stuff ruined with water damage. Sigh!

But when life gives you lemons, you should squirt them in the eyes of the person who gave you them!

And then there was one.

You know, you wake up in morning and have a general idea of how your day is going to go. Sometimes it doesn't go that way, but I think most of the time it does.

I got up this morning knowing I had to go to work, then Alex had brownies tonight. I was going to do my shopping while she was at brownies. Then home and early to bed.

I went to work and that pretty much was normal. I got home and D's school called to tell me he is failing the only class he needs to pass in order to graduate. He has handed in nothing so the teacher has nothing to mark. He sleeps though most of her classes.

When D got home I relayed this him and said maybe he needs to go to bed earlier so he isn't sleeping in class. He start talking back and DH jumped in and told him if he plans to stay here he needs to show me some respect. He also said D needs to apologize to me.

D responded with, "Got boxes? I'm moving out." D made a few calls, pack his stuff and left.

He is signing himself out of care. By doing this he is loosing his braces, $850 a month from the time he is 18 till 21 (he will be 18 in Aug.), I don't know if he plans to continue high school, health care, college, and more.

I am just sick about his. I really hope in a day or 2 he comes around and comes back home. To be honest - I doubt he will. He is stubborn like that. He would rather live without then admit a mistake. I have made it clear he can return.

I really didn't see this coming. I didn't. I feel like I have been hit by a truck.

The Chicken report

Day 4 of dealing with the chicken pox. Poor Alex. She is covered head to toe. She has them in her mouth and throat. She has them in her unmentionables. She has been living off popsicles for the last few days. She is so hungry but it hurts so much to eat.

I miss hugging and kissing her but she is covered in spots and covered in calamine lotion. She has spent the last few nights moaning and groaning. Not sleeping well.

I feel for the kid. I really do. I just called in sick for her for the whole week. I doubt she will be ready to go back anytime soon. I don't think I can pack her a lunch of popsicles and send her off.

Work asked me not to come in. A lot of people at work are medically fragile. Getting chicken pox or shingles would not be good for them. I didn't have many hours to start off with and now I have less :( But what can you do.

Last night we were all sitting there watching TV and all of a sudden Alex says "An elastic band - bong bong bong." No idea where that came from!! I can't help but wonder what goes though her brain.

She is such a cutie. She is so bored. I am sick of board games. I am sick of her being sick. I imagine she is sick of it too.

Not that interesting today. But this is all I have dealt with for the last few days.

I hate the lady next door

I think she goes out of her way to make me look bad! Troy has been bugging me for 3 summers to stain the deck. I keep saying go get the stuff and I will and he never has.

Yesterday the lady next door sanded her whole deck, cleaned it off and then stained it. She put the 2nd coat on it today. She is now cutting the grass with the push mower instead of the rider - why? Because it's more exercise! She has just over an acre of land!!

I think she does this stuff to make me look bad!!!

Next up is me. I am under going a journey of less bitchiness. Apparently I am more moody then the average woman - no person.

See since I was pregnant with Alex I cry a lot. Over everything. I never use to be a crier but now I ball at the drop of the hat. Is that normal? I don't know. Aren't most woman more emotional once they become mothers? Or perhaps something is wrong with me. I find myself at least once a day fighting back tears over something. Something on the news or a story somebody told me.

Also I am moody. I have days where I am in a bitch. But again, don't we all have those days? I will admit, there are days when I know I am in a bad mood and there is nothing I can do about it. It's like being on a roller coaster - you can't get off until the ride is done. Do other people have days like that? Or is something wrong with me?

I also hate that whenever a woman is moody it is PMS or hormones or something. You can't just be a woman and be pissed off! If your a man - you can be pissed off all you want. Worse case your an ass and that is that. You don't see men running to their Dr's asking to be medicated because they are an ass.

Then when you go on meds and you are in a bad mood you get the "forget your happy pill today?" So matter what you do you're screwed.

I don't know. I am now trying out my 2nd med. The 1st one did nothing but give me dry mouth and an upset stomach. Do I need to be on meds? I don't know. I don't know what is normal. I don't have a gauge to compare myself too.

Maybe I am just crazy. If I am - is that so bad? But on the other hand, what if I can be happier? What if my emotions are holding me back? What if I have been living like this for 8 years and didn't have to be? I don't know. My journey continues.

What to post??

So what should I post in this blog? Please leave comments and let me know things you would like to see. I have to repeat everything I post at that other web site. So maybe I will have to split up my thoughts? Anyway, leave a comment - thanks

club house + fat ass = bad idea!

Yesterday while I was cooking supper Alex was cleaning out her club house. When supper was ready she asked if WE could eat in there. I said no because there is no tables or chairs. Alex said, "but Mom I just spent all that time cleaning it so you would!"

Fine!

I tossed a plastic table and chairs up to her. Then I had to climb the rope ladder to get up into the clubhouse (while I was still wearing my church clothes). Broke the rope ladder (in my defense, the rope ladder was there before we moved in. So it is over 10 years old. 10+ years of spring/summer/fall/winter and kids playing on it)

So we ate. Then I had to figure out how I was getting down. So slide it was. Well my leg locked and did some weird hop jump stumbling at the bottom. Alex of course is laughing her butt off.

So I have concluded that club house with rope ladder and slide + big @ss = very very bad idea!!

Today I just took 2 full garbage bags of toys out of the play room. These toys were the $ store ones, broken ones and the crap. Well you can't even tell I took anything out of there!! Scissors!! We are always looking for scissors. I fond 6 pairs and I haven't even got into the cleaning/organizing part yet!

Tomorrow I will organize it. I am sure I will get at least one more full bag, probably 2! Long over due!!

And how stupid am I? Last week I noticed I was almost out of mouse for my hair so I bought some. Got home and realized I somehow got hair spray instead. Put that away for later. Go out today to buy mouse. Get home and I got freaking hair spray again!! I swear it said mouse on it in the store!!

Sigh!!

Hey I have stuck to a budget for 2 weeks now. I am so proud of myself! I have not used visa once (normally I spend all my money that I make, then use visa and DH ends up paying it off) I can't count how many times I have said, "Nope sorry - it isn't in the budget.". I know 2 weeks of budgeting isn't too impressive, but I am impulsive. It is good for me.

Plus my nails have been long enough for me to bite them for 4 days now and I haven't bit them. I have been biting my nails since birth!! I tell you I am thinking about biting them 24/7. As I type my nails are hitting the keys instead of my figures and it is driving me nuts. I so want to bite them!

I have lost 10lbs and managed to keep it off for a month. I had wanted to lose another 10 before months end but I don't think that is going to happen. So I will try to lose 10lbs before the end of may.

Did you make it all the way to the end? In case you did here is a joke for you...2 cannibals were eating a clown. 1 cannibal says to the other - does this taste funny to you?