Monday, May 10, 2010

Down in the dumps

Having a 'down in the dumps' day. I don't know if it because of mothers day or D moving out or what but I have been thinking about my family a lot.

My background...

When I was about 1month old Mom found out dad had a girlfriend and kicked him out. Dad moved in with his girlfriend and had 2 girls (I also have an older brother). He also cheated on her and got kicked out. So he has 4 kids. He visited my brother and I a few times when we were young. But visits soon grew fewer and further between.

In the last 20 years I have talked to Dad once when I was around 15 and saw him at Grandma's funeral 8 years ago - but we didn't talk. That is the only time Troy has seen my Dad.

Over time Dad has tried to regain contact with my brother and my 2 younger sisters but never me. Why not me? He has been able to contract my brother and sisters and they all know how to get in touch with me. So it isn't like he can't find me. Plus I lived in this house when grandma was alive and she had my phone number and address - none of that has changed.

My Step-father (Gord) was verbally abusive. He was strict and mean. The best example I can think of is my room. My room on it's messiest day was cleaner then any one elses room on there dirtiest day.

I came home from school one day to find my door closed. On it a note that said 'a pig lives in here'. I opened the door and Gord had emptied all the garbage from house into my room. Not in bags, but dumped it. I had coffee grinds and rotten food on my carpet.

Why did he do this? I was in a hurry that morning. I made my bed but the blankets were longer on one side then the other. My closet door was open and my desk chair not pushed in. I also left a book on my nightstand. I spent all night cleaning, vacuuming and scrubbing my carpet. It stained my carpet. Years later I would still get in trouble for ruining my carpet.

He would also call me names and nothing I did was ever good enough. I would like to say that I don't think he set out to be mean. I think this was the way he was raised and he didn't know any better. I honestly think his 'parenting toolbox' didn't have a lot in it.

Then you have my mother. Sigh!

When I was in high school I was having a hard time with things. I was suicidal. My friend went to the school consoler because she was concerned. They called in my mom. Mom came in and oh she put on a great show. She cried and hugged me and said she had no idea. Oh things were going to change. We went home, I got grounded for being so stupid and had to pay mom back the money she would be short on her pay from leaving work early.

I moved out as soon as I finished high school. I was so poor. Some days the only food I ate was what I stole from work. Income tax time came and I got a statement for $6000. I had no idea what that was for. I asked mom if she knew - and she did! Because of my age I got $500/month though my Step-fathers pension. She applied for it and had the money deposited right into her account. I really could have used the money!!

I made mom do my taxes and pay what I owed. She was then suppose to pay me what I would have gotten back - but she never did. She also cheated on my taxes and I got audited...and the next 5 years after that.

I since have no longer anything to do my Mom and money. She has screwed me over too many times. She even stole my brothers college money (that he worked for and saved).

But again - Mom has impulse control when it comes to shopping. She knew if she rang up the credit cards again my step father would leave her. She did these things to hide her shopping.

My step father has since died. My mom now lives with a man who drinks and drives and smokes joints. I feel bad for mom. She is so afraid to be on her own, she changes to be like the person she is with. I don't think she even knows who she is.

Now I know many people have had it worse then me. I am in no way suggesting I had the worse childhood or family. I will say I have a crappy family. I often wonder why I still talk to mom. She is so self centered and selfish. I guess because she is the only parent I have. Dad never wanted me, Gord has died and that leaves her.

I would love to have a great mother/daughter relationship with her. I hear people talking about how wonderful their mothers are and I am jealous. I want that. I guess at this point I can only be the best mom I can to Alex and hope our relationship will be better.

I see a lot of my parents in me and that scares me. I really don't want to be like them at all. I guess I just need to focus on being the person I want to be.

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