Lost and found

Have you ever lost a child? If you haven't, I don't recommend it!! I lost Alex at a friends apartment. Instead of waiting for us she went ahead to the apartment, only she couldn't find it. If that was bad enough this apartment is several buildings connected together so there are several apartment buildings she can access without going out side. It is such a maze that pizza delivery refuse to deliver there!

She was lost for about 15-20mins. My friend found her. She ended up 2 buildings over and then went outside and was trying to get back into the building but couldn't. I was at the point that if we didn't find her now i was going to call the police for help.

Alex was crying. She was scared. I was too!!! I was certain no one had taken her or anything. But it is still scary. I hope she learned from all of this, I really do!! Man that was scary for me. I think I grew a few more gray hairs and aged a few years!!

So we got a site at a seasonal camp ground. We bought the in laws trailer and we are going to camp there all summer (when we are not working). We bring the trailer up on Saturday. I am so excited. All this stuff going through my head...got to get this and got to get that. I hope this will be as much fun as I think it will be.

Sorry I missed your call I was at the trailer! LOL

Alex was showering and I told her to make sure she washed her feet and bum really well. Alex got upset because if she washed her feet 1st them her bum would smell like feet and if she washed for bum 1st then her feet would smell like bum.

Where does she come up with this stuff??

A troll!!

So we get home, the neighbors had a bunch of people over, all sitting outside. I make a run for the bathroom. Alex yells after me, "Hey mom, when you're done pooping will you play outside with me?".

Thanks for letting the neighbors know that I need to poop!! Why not put an ad in the newspaper! Sigh!

Today I went out looking for a light pink t-shirt. Like a baby pink. Solid colour - no prints. Do you think I could find one? Nope. I have a new pair of capris and it would go perfect with them. So the hunt is still on.

I also need a new purse as the strap is ripping off mine. Again I couldn't find any I liked. I like ones with really long straps so I can put it cross body. I find purses slip off my shoulder and I hate carrying them. So again the hunt is still on.

And to close a super funny story a co-worker told me. I will warn you, some may find it offensive.

She has an adult son with autism. He says at home during the day alone - he is fairly high functioning.

So a week or 2 ago he calls her at work all excited. He keeps saying 'I caught a troll!! I caught a troll!'. Now she isn't too concerned because this is normal for him. He will hear sounds or see shadows and think they are different things. So she does her best to calm him down and tells him they will figure it out when she gets home.

So she finishes working and gets home (about 6 hours after the phone call). As soon as she pulls into the driveway he is right out the door, all excited saying 'I caught a troll! I caught a troll!'.

OK, she says 'lets go inside and see if we can figure this out'. So they go inside and the 1st thing she sees is he has pushed all the furniture up against the closet door. She asked him why and he told her the troll was in there.

Well she starts moving the furniture and she can hear something in the closet. She gets all the furniture moved, opens the door and in the closet is (are you ready for it?) a Jehovah witness. He is a midget!! He came to the door, her son let him inside, pushed him in the closet and locked him in, lol.

The poor guy was in there for 6 hours!!! Can you imagine coming home to that? I wonder what the guy in the closet was thinking? OMG I laughed so freaking hard.

(Sorry if this offends you but I did warn you)

unsent letters

Dear Alex;

I love you. I love your new hair cut. You are so beautiful. You lite up my life. I wish you were more flexible. I wish you could adjust to change. You are so smart and you can do anything you set your mind to. You are the only thing holding you back. How can I help you learn to be more flexible?

I think you are the best kid in the world. You make me laugh, you make me smile. You make life worth living. I can't wait to see where life brings you. What you become. You make life exciting. I want to fast forward time so I can see the end.

I also want to freeze time. You are growing up so fast. I can't believe you are 7 1/2. Seams like yesterday you were a baby. I know we over protect you. I know we need to let you out from under our wings. It is so hard. But I know that when you spread your wings it will be spectacular.

May life treat you kind and always know I will always be there for you.

Love Mom

Dear Troy;

You are my best friend. My best friend. I can tell you anything. I can tell you the dark evil thoughts I have and you don't think I am evil. You make me laugh, you make me smile.

You are a great provider for Alex and I. You always make sure we have what we need, and a lot of the time, what we want. Alex and I both take advantage of you. We all know that. I will try to do more around here. Carry more weight.

You are my biggest supporter and I thank you for that.

People said we wouldn't make it a year. We have been married going on 11 years and together for 14 years. You are my longest friend.

I am sure we will grow old together. I am also sure I will be bald 1st :).

Thank you and I love you

Love Mom.

Dear Mich;

I guess this letter isn't unsent since you will probably read this :).

Thank you for being my friend. You are a great person. You set such a great example for your children. You are a strong woman. You have endless courage.

I know you think our friendship is more me giving and you taking, but you are wrong. We just have different things to give. You give me advice. You give me perspective. You give me other ways of thinking of things. You are not afraid to point out better ways and offer me your wisdom. You are smart and well informed.

I look up to you (and not just because you are taller, lol). Thank you for all that you have given me. I hope 10 years from now we are watching our girls move in their lives. I hope we will be still be friends years and years from now.

Thank you for that you have given me, and thanks in advance for all I will take from you :)

Love Laurie

success vs failure

Funny how 2 people can look at the same situation and 1 sees success and 1 sees failure. D is 17 - 18 in August. He has moved out and I am guessing dropped out of school (I say this because the school has call every day for 2 weeks saying he wasn't in class) 5 weeks before graduating. He is smoking and who knows what else he is doing.

I look at this as I failed. I failed to install something in him over the last 5 years. I failed to provide an environment where he can flourish and feel at home. One where he can soar and the possibilities are endless. He is such a smart kid. He can do whatever he wants. But he chooses not to do the work and not set any goals. Maybe I pushed him to hard or maybe not enough.

CAS looks at this and thinks I succeeded. He may it this far and almost graduated high school. That is more then most kids in care do. He is (for the most part) a good kid and as close to 'normal' as CAS kids tend to be.

Now I wonder, does CAS set the bar too low or did I set it too high? Guess I will never know.

Moving on, as I can't dwell on the past forever.

Alex has such a good day today. She wore jeans - she never wears jeans. She can't stand them. She wore new socks - totally different then the ones she is use too. She wore her hair in a pony tail - she hates stuff in her hair. It was spirit day so she got to wear her sun glasses all day as well. She looked so cute!!

She got home and wanted to go to a friends house, but he wasn't home. I had to go to town. She hates having to go places, but she didn't complain. She just asked if she could finish watching her show (5 mins left) and that was that.

She is now in the bath. No fighting over it or anything. Just got in and now is playing. When Little D left she improved so much. It happened over night. I could not believe the change. Now I wonder, will she improve again? I can't help but notice the great mood she has been in for the most part of a week.

She wants a kitten real bad. I told her the 2 cats we have are enough. But we had them before she was born so she never got to see them as kittens. Oh she promises she will look after the kitten. Feed it, clean up after it, everything. "Just like you do with your guinea pig?" I asked. "Yes, I mean no, I mean I don't, I mean I do, I mean I will this time, I promise!"

No more pets until the ones we have bite the big one!! My house is turning into a letting zoo!! 2 cats, 2 pigs, DH and Alex are enough! Seeing as it is I who has to deal with all the poop in house - I don't need more to add to it!

Speaking of poop, I noticed our imagery dog left another pile on our lawn. Why can can't people pick up after their dogs. The guy across the road, he drives while holding on to the lease so the dog can run beside he car. That he how he 'walks' the dog. He has 2 kids that are old enough to walk the dog around my block, plus he is quite capable as well. I mean that is the height of laziness. I guess for the dog it is better then nothing. The dog spends all day chained to a tree not being able to go very far. I feel for the dog. I really do.

And that is the Laurie report for today. Hope you all had a good day.

Down in the dumps

Having a 'down in the dumps' day. I don't know if it because of mothers day or D moving out or what but I have been thinking about my family a lot.

My background...

When I was about 1month old Mom found out dad had a girlfriend and kicked him out. Dad moved in with his girlfriend and had 2 girls (I also have an older brother). He also cheated on her and got kicked out. So he has 4 kids. He visited my brother and I a few times when we were young. But visits soon grew fewer and further between.

In the last 20 years I have talked to Dad once when I was around 15 and saw him at Grandma's funeral 8 years ago - but we didn't talk. That is the only time Troy has seen my Dad.

Over time Dad has tried to regain contact with my brother and my 2 younger sisters but never me. Why not me? He has been able to contract my brother and sisters and they all know how to get in touch with me. So it isn't like he can't find me. Plus I lived in this house when grandma was alive and she had my phone number and address - none of that has changed.

My Step-father (Gord) was verbally abusive. He was strict and mean. The best example I can think of is my room. My room on it's messiest day was cleaner then any one elses room on there dirtiest day.

I came home from school one day to find my door closed. On it a note that said 'a pig lives in here'. I opened the door and Gord had emptied all the garbage from house into my room. Not in bags, but dumped it. I had coffee grinds and rotten food on my carpet.

Why did he do this? I was in a hurry that morning. I made my bed but the blankets were longer on one side then the other. My closet door was open and my desk chair not pushed in. I also left a book on my nightstand. I spent all night cleaning, vacuuming and scrubbing my carpet. It stained my carpet. Years later I would still get in trouble for ruining my carpet.

He would also call me names and nothing I did was ever good enough. I would like to say that I don't think he set out to be mean. I think this was the way he was raised and he didn't know any better. I honestly think his 'parenting toolbox' didn't have a lot in it.

Then you have my mother. Sigh!

When I was in high school I was having a hard time with things. I was suicidal. My friend went to the school consoler because she was concerned. They called in my mom. Mom came in and oh she put on a great show. She cried and hugged me and said she had no idea. Oh things were going to change. We went home, I got grounded for being so stupid and had to pay mom back the money she would be short on her pay from leaving work early.

I moved out as soon as I finished high school. I was so poor. Some days the only food I ate was what I stole from work. Income tax time came and I got a statement for $6000. I had no idea what that was for. I asked mom if she knew - and she did! Because of my age I got $500/month though my Step-fathers pension. She applied for it and had the money deposited right into her account. I really could have used the money!!

I made mom do my taxes and pay what I owed. She was then suppose to pay me what I would have gotten back - but she never did. She also cheated on my taxes and I got audited...and the next 5 years after that.

I since have no longer anything to do my Mom and money. She has screwed me over too many times. She even stole my brothers college money (that he worked for and saved).

But again - Mom has impulse control when it comes to shopping. She knew if she rang up the credit cards again my step father would leave her. She did these things to hide her shopping.

My step father has since died. My mom now lives with a man who drinks and drives and smokes joints. I feel bad for mom. She is so afraid to be on her own, she changes to be like the person she is with. I don't think she even knows who she is.

Now I know many people have had it worse then me. I am in no way suggesting I had the worse childhood or family. I will say I have a crappy family. I often wonder why I still talk to mom. She is so self centered and selfish. I guess because she is the only parent I have. Dad never wanted me, Gord has died and that leaves her.

I would love to have a great mother/daughter relationship with her. I hear people talking about how wonderful their mothers are and I am jealous. I want that. I guess at this point I can only be the best mom I can to Alex and hope our relationship will be better.

I see a lot of my parents in me and that scares me. I really don't want to be like them at all. I guess I just need to focus on being the person I want to be.

It's always my kid.

Why is it always my kid?

Alex always wants to have friends over. Yet when she does she fights and complains the whole time. They are touching her stuff. They are not playing what she wants to play. They are going to ruin her toys. They are going to take her toys. They are going to...they are going to...

The whole time they are here they fight fight fight. Now I would love to get on my high horse and point my finger at these kids and tell you how rotten they are. But truth be told it isn't these other kids that are the problem. It is my kid. She is not flexible and not willing to make any compromises. Everything is her way or the highway.

I can't help but wonder why she wants to have friends over when all she does is fight with them. She gets mad at them for playing with her stuff. I can't help but wonder why these kids come over!! She yells at them and is mean. I don't like playing with her either!!

Whenever there is a problem, you can bet my daughter is the cause of it. When everyone is going left, she is going right. She will not conform no matter what. She is her own person and does what she wants when she wants.

People tell me this will be great when she gets older. She won't follow the crowd and fall to peer pressure. I don't see it that way. I see her as more defiant and stubborn. I see her talking back and rebelling. I see us butting heads.

I love her. I love her with all my heart. She can command my emotions. She can make me more angry then anyone else in the world can. She can fill my heart with love with a single look. She can make me cry, she can make me laugh. She is my everything.

celebrating mediocrity

Why do parent celebrate the poor choices they made? Is the goal to survive childhood? If so - isn't that setting the bar pretty low? As parents we all do things we shouldn't have. We all have regrets, things we wish we could take back or undo and have made mistakes. As adults should we not learn from those low points instead of bragging that your child survived it?

When I was a kid we didn't have car seats, my mom drank when she was pregnant and we played with real lawn darts (yes we stood behind the circle while someone on the other side threw it towards us. Many times jumping out of it's path). Did I survive it - yes. Does that make it OK - no!

We are adults and parents. Is it not our jobs to educate ourselves and do the best we can with the resources we have? We know about car seat safety now - so use them and use them correctly. We know about fetal alcohol syndrome now, so just because you drank during your 1st pregnancy and the child turned out OK - doesn't mean the next one will. Is it worth the risk?

I have spanked Alex. I am not proud of it. I am ashamed and embarrassed over it. It was my lowest point to date as a parent. I didn't spank her because I thought it would stop a behaviour. I didn't do it because I thought it was the best thing to do or a last resource. I did it because I was pissed off at her and I wanted an outlet for my anger.

Many parents who spank will say they never do it out of anger or spite. They are lying. Either to you or to themselves. As an adult I learned how Alex can push my buttons and what my limits are. I learned to walk away sooner and take a time out before it gets to that point. I did make a mistake, Alex did survive, but more important I learned from it and it will never happen again! Even though she survived it - that doesn't make it OK.

People feed their babies certain foods that we now know it is better to wait to give them. Ask a parent who has a child with a life threatening allergy how much fun it is. Why would you risk it? Yes your baby survived - but is it worth the risk?

Chances are I could drive around with Alex not in a car seat or buckled in for years and nothing bad would happen - but why risk it?

Why do we put our children at risk unnecessarily and they bragged that it is OK because the survived it? Your child surviving childhood isn't a goal or a badge of honour. Why not aim higher? Shoot for the stars and aim for the moon. Give our children the best chance at life as we can.

life changes

Do we want to take in more kids? Part of me says no, part of me says yes. Maybe we should try another kick at the can. Chances of us getting another long term placement is slim. Probably be a few months. In and outs.

We have decided not to take any kids in over the summer. Just see how it goes and then decide.

My reason for not wanting to do it is Alex. I am afraid of the things she will learn from these kids and the effect it will have on her. Plus the risk it puts her in.

My reasons for wanting to do it are - well we have the room and always wanted more then 1 child. I'm not going to lie - it is an income as well. Not a huge one, but it does help.

Alex wants us to take in more kids. She wants kids to play with.

If we do they will have to be old enough to be in school full time. I don't know. I just don't know.

The next question is work. I like where I work and I make good money. However because of Troy's shift I am not able to work as many hours. If I switch to home health care (like VON or paramed) I could work more hours and make more money. Well I would work more hours then I use to work for the same pay - doing home care means about $5 or more pay cut. I don't want to do home care, but in the end it is more money.

If I switch then I can't do my apprenticeship either. But if I stay, well my pays are cut in half now with Troy's new hours. He can't work over time because of contract talks and union stuff.

I don't know. Too many decisions to make at once.

Alex went back to school today. She still has a few spots that are healing but no one said anything. I bought her new socks today. She said she would wear them tomorrow and try them out. She did try one on. Leaps and bounds that girl is making! I hope she does wear them and they work out.

Soon I will have to start shopping for pants for her for next winter. I won't be buying them from sears!! (I bought some from sears - in 3 sizes so I would be set for a few years. I invested a few hundred dollars in them. They all shrunk so much that the largest size was like carpis on her by winters end. They shrunk about 6 inches!! Sears would not take them back or refund me)

Oh when it rain it poors - On Sunday when I was showering I was thinking 'it soulds like the water is going straight into the basement not the pipe!' But I was in a hurry and it was 5am so I didn't think any more about it. Troy got up and showered too. Well I was right. The water from our showers went straight into the basement. The shower was leaking. Lot of stuff ruined with water damage. Sigh!

But when life gives you lemons, you should squirt them in the eyes of the person who gave you them!